Truth

“Alicia, if I had been born in China, I would have been given up for adoption.” This truth my husband spoke to me a couple weeks ago took my breath away. But it is just that, it is truth.

Eric was born with partial hearing loss and later he lost his hearing completely. By many standards, he was imperfect. Eric wore inner ear hearing aids and one day, at age 3, he lost his hearing completely. At age 4 he had a cochlear implant, allowing him to hear when wearing his hearing aid. He is now in his 6th year teaching at a local high school and is working towards a job as a principal.

His parent’s fought for him every step of the way. They worked to give him every advantage that they could and never looked back; they drove him out of state to doctor’s appointments; they provided speech therapy for him and worked with him non stop on his pronunciation of words. He was perfect for their family. And I can’t imagine life without this man by my side.

It was this conversation, this truth, that helped us make our final decision about what our adoption would look like. We want to fight for a child in China. We want to come alongside them and give them every advantage that we can.

To us, the “perfect” child doesn’t mean one without physical disabilities, it means the one that God has picked out for us. It doesn’t mean the one who doesn’t need extra medical care, it means the one that God has called us to love and call the final piece of our family.

When talking about God’s love for us, I often describe it as an even greater love than than my love for my daughters. When my Emma, my oldest, was born, it was as though there was a whole room in my heart, that I didn’t even know was there, and that room was overwhelmingly filled with love for her. And God feels that, and so much more, about each of us. And He has now called me to feel that for a child that I don’t give birth to. A child that He has chosen to add to our family in a different and unique way. And, because it is all a part of his plan, it is perfect. Not without struggles, fear, and pain. Not ideal or easy. Yet, perfect.

This is our truth.

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Embracing Change

Change.

Sometimes its hard. Really hard.

A few weeks ago, I posted this. In all my heart, I felt like God was calling us to adopt from Haiti. That is where our child was. We had chosen our agency. We were going to move forward. Then I found out that Haiti is so backlogged with their adoption paperwork, that most agencies were not accepting Haiti applications. And wouldn’t be for an unknown amount of time, if ever. Our agency was one of those that wasn’t accepting applications.

In the week since we found this out, we have made some pretty big decisions, which means there are some pretty big changes happening too.

First, the agency that we had chosen was a for sure thing for us. We wanted to stay with that agency. After looking at the different programs that agency offers, we decided that their China Program was the right one for us. And we are thrilled!!

Knowing that now, I almost deleted the adoption post I referred to earlier. How in the world can I leave something up there that says my child is in Haiti, when we are now adopting from China????

My goal has always been to write on this blog so that people can see the journey we are on. The whole journey. Not just the easy parts. The whole thing.

So yes, I thought we were adopting from Haiti. I thought that was right thing for us. But it wasn’t. God shut doors in a big way and, as hard as that was, it is a part of our story. It is what led us to China. It is what led us to realize how much we liked our agency. It is a big part of our journey. And I want you all to be able to see that.

To see the hard just as much as the easy; to realize that the journey to adopt is not black and white; to see how God will open and shut doors throughout the process; to see that plans change, lives change, things change, but that doesn’t mean God isn’t in control of each of those changes.

 

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Adoption News Today

Today I went online to our adoption agency’s website.. My plan was to start filling out our application.

Eric and I have felt called to adopt a child from Haiti and it is finally the time to take the steps to move forward. We have both been at complete peace since deciding on Haiti as our country and haven’t looked back…until now.

Part way through the pre-application, a notice comes up that Haiti is no longer taking applications for adoption at this point.

Um. What? Say that again. I immediately felt sick to my stomach…fear started to creep in.

Had we missed our window? Did we take to long to apply? Is our child going to sit in an orphanage forever because of us??

But, all along, I have felt at complete peace with the timing of every decision we have made. There are truths I have held on to, as promises, that keep me from stressing about the timeline, the planning…they allow me to let go.

 

So, today, that is what I had to remind myself…those truths are still my truths…

Outside of completely ignoring our call to adopt, there is nothing we can do that will ever make us miss out on the child God has for us.

His timing is PERFECT.

It’s not about me, it’s about trusting the call God has placed on our lives, and taking each step forward as He calls us to do so.

 

All along we have said, once summer vacation starts, we will dive into the application process. Today was the first day we could do that. So, I have to trust the plan He has for me! And for our child! Maybe its Haiti, maybe it’s not. Maybe we have to wait until Haiti accepts applications again? Maybe Haiti will lead us to some where else?

I’m sure this won’t be the first setback, the first thing that delays the process, and that’s ok. God has His hands in this, He is in control, so I don’t have to be. And that is where the peace comes from.

So tonight, as I lay here, sleepless, I pray for our child, I pray for direction, I pray for wisdom.

 

And that is where I leave it. That is the best place to leave it. With Him.
Lord's Purpose Prevails

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Questions

I read an article the other day. Here is the link. It has quickly become a favorite of mine.

 

Many people ask questions, not even realizing what they are asking. They don’t have any ill intent, a lot of times, they just don’t know what to say. I know that, before I started this process, I didn’t know what to say. I knew there was the “right way” to say things and I couldn’t always remember what that was.

Is he your adopted son?? Or am I supposed to ask: Is your son adopted?? I know now, but I didn’t used to.

 

So, when I get asked questions like this:

Why do an international adoption, rather than domestic??? Why adopt from that country? What makes you want to save “other” kids rather than “our own”??

 

This is my answer:

 

Well, my child lives in Haiti, so that is why I am adopting from there.

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Words.

Words have been flying around in my head, bursting for a way to get out. Not necessarily to be spewed here, on the blog (I’ve actually revealed more here than I have to close friends), but to be spoken, from my mouth to others. Asking for prayer. Opening up. Being vulnerable. None of which are easy for me.

Last night it happened though. I spoke about what God is doing in my life. The calling He has placed on my life. The calling that Eric just started to feel…The calling to adopt. We both talked about it. About where we are at. To those we trust. To those who will pray earnestly for us in this time.

Speaking makes it real. It is so freeing and so frightening all at the same time. My calling is no longer just mine…others know what God has asked me to do. There is accountability in that. Sheesh.

My stomach has never known so many butterflies or so much pent up anticipation and nervousness. My eyes have never known so many tears. I told a friend just a few weeks ago about how weepy I am. I literally cannot get through a worship set without having tears running down my face. I cannot pray without the same thing happening there. I cannot speak about the moment that I heard God speak to me without losing all semblance of control over my emotions.

I think that is all part of my journey. I’ve always been a planner, in control of my emotions, tough…all the things.

That is, up until now. All of that is gone. This, this has no plan. Adoption has no timeline I can control. These eyes that cry so easily is a sign of what God is doing in me. He is working. He is breaking my walls. He is prying my fingers open so that I can let go of all control.

He is working. He is working on me.

And I would have it no other way.

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Oh, I love you so.

To my sweet boy or girl,

The first time I ever heard God speak audibly to me, was when He told me about you. I will never forget that day, or the tears that were shed.

It was in that moment that I knew there was a child out there that was supposed to be a part of our family…a child not of my flesh and blood, not of my genes, but a child I was called to love as though that were the case. Just as Christ loves me.

I want you to know these things child of mine…

I do love you. Already. I love you and pray for you every day. And I have since that morning when God first whispered to my heart about you.

In my eyes, you are already a part of our family.

Please know that I am broken. I am imperfect and I will make mistakes. I know that this journey we are embarking upon may be one of the most difficult of my life, but baby, it will also be one of the best.

I can’t wait to learn with you, to grow with you, to watch how you complete our family. I know its not easy. And it won’t be. Its not supposed to be.

There isn’t a single thing you can do that will me love you less. There will be days when you go to bed frustrated, or when I go to bed frustrated. But know, that through that, you are my child, and I LOVE you!

I don’t know your story yet. I don’t know why you get to be a part of our family instead of the one you were born into…I want you to be able to ask me that. When you are ready, child of mine, I want you to ask any question you can think of. I want you to know about your heritage and I want to help you celebrate it.

God is going to do something amazing with that story of yours, the one we are writing and adding to each day…I want to learn how to embrace that with you.

Have patience with me, sweet child, and I will try my best to do the same. We are both learning. We are both new at this…lets remember that, and remind each other of it, when it seems like we have forgotten.

And like I said earlier, always remember, I love you. Always have, always will.

-Mom

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