Don’t Miss It.

A dear friend gifted me a mug a few months ago, and it has quickly become a favorite of mine. It reminds me daily that there are things that are going to happen that day that I won’t ever get back. So, don’t miss it!

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This morning I had a gut check moment as I thought about this. Emma has been getting in trouble for lying a lot lately. It breaks this Momma’s heart every time it happens. Usually its about things that don’t even matter, and it can quickly get frustrating.

I found myself just wishing it away. Get past this girl, come on!

But, also this morning, as I was looking at my sweet Emma girl’s face I realized one thing..this may be one of the only chances I have to nurture her heart in this area. Don’t miss it.

I may not have another chance to help her realize that this is a heart issue and the only way it will change is if God changes her heart. Don’t miss it.

I was nearly in tears as I realized, I can’t wish this away. I can’t hope that tomorrow I don’t have to deal with this.

Rather, my prayer should be: “Lord, let this continue until Emma realizes what it means for her heart to change. Give me the words to show her this. Please don’t allow her to stop until you have changed her heart and she realizes it; until you have a hold on her heart and you won’t ever let go.”

This is my new prayer. This is my whole purpose as a mom. Don’t miss it. 

I don’t want to wish this phase away…I want to embrace it until she has learned everything she possibly can from it.

Don’t miss it. You won’t ever get it back.

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Embracing Change

Change.

Sometimes its hard. Really hard.

A few weeks ago, I posted this. In all my heart, I felt like God was calling us to adopt from Haiti. That is where our child was. We had chosen our agency. We were going to move forward. Then I found out that Haiti is so backlogged with their adoption paperwork, that most agencies were not accepting Haiti applications. And wouldn’t be for an unknown amount of time, if ever. Our agency was one of those that wasn’t accepting applications.

In the week since we found this out, we have made some pretty big decisions, which means there are some pretty big changes happening too.

First, the agency that we had chosen was a for sure thing for us. We wanted to stay with that agency. After looking at the different programs that agency offers, we decided that their China Program was the right one for us. And we are thrilled!!

Knowing that now, I almost deleted the adoption post I referred to earlier. How in the world can I leave something up there that says my child is in Haiti, when we are now adopting from China????

My goal has always been to write on this blog so that people can see the journey we are on. The whole journey. Not just the easy parts. The whole thing.

So yes, I thought we were adopting from Haiti. I thought that was right thing for us. But it wasn’t. God shut doors in a big way and, as hard as that was, it is a part of our story. It is what led us to China. It is what led us to realize how much we liked our agency. It is a big part of our journey. And I want you all to be able to see that.

To see the hard just as much as the easy; to realize that the journey to adopt is not black and white; to see how God will open and shut doors throughout the process; to see that plans change, lives change, things change, but that doesn’t mean God isn’t in control of each of those changes.

 

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Adoption News Today

Today I went online to our adoption agency’s website.. My plan was to start filling out our application.

Eric and I have felt called to adopt a child from Haiti and it is finally the time to take the steps to move forward. We have both been at complete peace since deciding on Haiti as our country and haven’t looked back…until now.

Part way through the pre-application, a notice comes up that Haiti is no longer taking applications for adoption at this point.

Um. What? Say that again. I immediately felt sick to my stomach…fear started to creep in.

Had we missed our window? Did we take to long to apply? Is our child going to sit in an orphanage forever because of us??

But, all along, I have felt at complete peace with the timing of every decision we have made. There are truths I have held on to, as promises, that keep me from stressing about the timeline, the planning…they allow me to let go.

 

So, today, that is what I had to remind myself…those truths are still my truths…

Outside of completely ignoring our call to adopt, there is nothing we can do that will ever make us miss out on the child God has for us.

His timing is PERFECT.

It’s not about me, it’s about trusting the call God has placed on our lives, and taking each step forward as He calls us to do so.

 

All along we have said, once summer vacation starts, we will dive into the application process. Today was the first day we could do that. So, I have to trust the plan He has for me! And for our child! Maybe its Haiti, maybe it’s not. Maybe we have to wait until Haiti accepts applications again? Maybe Haiti will lead us to some where else?

I’m sure this won’t be the first setback, the first thing that delays the process, and that’s ok. God has His hands in this, He is in control, so I don’t have to be. And that is where the peace comes from.

So tonight, as I lay here, sleepless, I pray for our child, I pray for direction, I pray for wisdom.

 

And that is where I leave it. That is the best place to leave it. With Him.
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Words.

Words have been flying around in my head, bursting for a way to get out. Not necessarily to be spewed here, on the blog (I’ve actually revealed more here than I have to close friends), but to be spoken, from my mouth to others. Asking for prayer. Opening up. Being vulnerable. None of which are easy for me.

Last night it happened though. I spoke about what God is doing in my life. The calling He has placed on my life. The calling that Eric just started to feel…The calling to adopt. We both talked about it. About where we are at. To those we trust. To those who will pray earnestly for us in this time.

Speaking makes it real. It is so freeing and so frightening all at the same time. My calling is no longer just mine…others know what God has asked me to do. There is accountability in that. Sheesh.

My stomach has never known so many butterflies or so much pent up anticipation and nervousness. My eyes have never known so many tears. I told a friend just a few weeks ago about how weepy I am. I literally cannot get through a worship set without having tears running down my face. I cannot pray without the same thing happening there. I cannot speak about the moment that I heard God speak to me without losing all semblance of control over my emotions.

I think that is all part of my journey. I’ve always been a planner, in control of my emotions, tough…all the things.

That is, up until now. All of that is gone. This, this has no plan. Adoption has no timeline I can control. These eyes that cry so easily is a sign of what God is doing in me. He is working. He is breaking my walls. He is prying my fingers open so that I can let go of all control.

He is working. He is working on me.

And I would have it no other way.

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Suffering. A New Kind of Prayer.

I recently listened to a podcast that talked about suffering and forgiveness in a whole new way. At the risk of sounding totally cheesy, it changed my world.

Here’s the link: Podcast with Jami Nato   You should listen to it. Really!

One of the things that stuck with me the most was the challenge to pray for suffering. So often, we feel like God should be blessing us…and most of us think of the word “blessing” to mean: money, big house, easy life, no struggles, no pain, etc.

But what if He blesses us by carrying us through the hard times? What if He blesses me by allowing me to be broken? What if He blesses me by drawing me to a place where I can’t help but rely on Him for every. single. thing.?

Timidly, fearfully, but also filled with hope, I have started praying this prayer. I’m not brave enough to pray it every day. There are some days where I just don’t have the strength to utter those words.

“Lord. Break me. Take me to a place where I can’t breath without asking you for the strength.”

It is painful. This is not an easy prayer to pray. It’s not a prayer I am always willing to pray. To ask for pain? To ask for suffering?

James 1:2-4 says:  Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Perseverance, mature, complete, not lacking anything. These are all words that I want to describe my relationship with my Jesus.

And, in it all, I want to find the joy. Amidst the pain. Amidst the sorrow. Through it all, I want to find joy in who my Jesus is.

Will you pray this prayer with me??

 

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