Words have been flying around in my head, bursting for a way to get out. Not necessarily to be spewed here, on the blog (I’ve actually revealed more here than I have to close friends), but to be spoken, from my mouth to others. Asking for prayer. Opening up. Being vulnerable. None of which are easy for me.
Last night it happened though. I spoke about what God is doing in my life. The calling He has placed on my life. The calling that Eric just started to feel…The calling to adopt. We both talked about it. About where we are at. To those we trust. To those who will pray earnestly for us in this time.
Speaking makes it real. It is so freeing and so frightening all at the same time. My calling is no longer just mine…others know what God has asked me to do. There is accountability in that. Sheesh.
My stomach has never known so many butterflies or so much pent up anticipation and nervousness. My eyes have never known so many tears. I told a friend just a few weeks ago about how weepy I am. I literally cannot get through a worship set without having tears running down my face. I cannot pray without the same thing happening there. I cannot speak about the moment that I heard God speak to me without losing all semblance of control over my emotions.
I think that is all part of my journey. I’ve always been a planner, in control of my emotions, tough…all the things.
That is, up until now. All of that is gone. This, this has no plan. Adoption has no timeline I can control. These eyes that cry so easily is a sign of what God is doing in me. He is working. He is breaking my walls. He is prying my fingers open so that I can let go of all control.
He is working. He is working on me.
And I would have it no other way.