Kindergarten

Kindergarten.

Who knew that a  5  almost 6 year old’s activities could cause such a tug of war on a Mama’s heart? I was mostly clueless. Maybe that explains my emotional state this past week? Sometimes it leaves me breathless, or with wet eyeballs, but also with a full heart. This is my tug of war.

Kindergarten; a time that you look forward to for so long, and then when the first day comes, it takes your breath away.

Kindergarten; a thing that you talk about, daily, getting your girl so excited for, and then your eyeballs get a little wet when you leave her there and drive away.

Kindergarten; a time when you are so proud as your child runs to the playground, almost forgetting to wave goodbye, but also so sad that they don’t hold on for a little longer.

Kindergarten; a time when someone else teaches and takes care of your kid, but also a time when you’re a little sad that someone else is teaching and taking care of your child.

Kindergarten; a time where you’re excited that your child has an opportunity, for the almost the first time in her life, to be Jesus to those around her who don’t know about Him, even the littlest ways; but also terrified that that is not what all her classmates are also hoping to be.

Kindergarten; a time when you pray more for your child then ever before…and then wonder how much you’re going to have to be on your knees when Middle School and High School roll around.

Kindergarten; a time when you get to see your child, with a bit of independence, with a chance to make choices without you there, and you realize that they are making choices that make you so proud and humble all at the same time.

Kindergarten; a time when you feel all the feels you didn’t even know you could feel and you realize your heart still hasn’t burst.

Kindergarten; a sad and happy time, all at the same time.

And we will make it.

 

Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.

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Adoption News Today

Today I went online to our adoption agency’s website.. My plan was to start filling out our application.

Eric and I have felt called to adopt a child from Haiti and it is finally the time to take the steps to move forward. We have both been at complete peace since deciding on Haiti as our country and haven’t looked back…until now.

Part way through the pre-application, a notice comes up that Haiti is no longer taking applications for adoption at this point.

Um. What? Say that again. I immediately felt sick to my stomach…fear started to creep in.

Had we missed our window? Did we take to long to apply? Is our child going to sit in an orphanage forever because of us??

But, all along, I have felt at complete peace with the timing of every decision we have made. There are truths I have held on to, as promises, that keep me from stressing about the timeline, the planning…they allow me to let go.

 

So, today, that is what I had to remind myself…those truths are still my truths…

Outside of completely ignoring our call to adopt, there is nothing we can do that will ever make us miss out on the child God has for us.

His timing is PERFECT.

It’s not about me, it’s about trusting the call God has placed on our lives, and taking each step forward as He calls us to do so.

 

All along we have said, once summer vacation starts, we will dive into the application process. Today was the first day we could do that. So, I have to trust the plan He has for me! And for our child! Maybe its Haiti, maybe it’s not. Maybe we have to wait until Haiti accepts applications again? Maybe Haiti will lead us to some where else?

I’m sure this won’t be the first setback, the first thing that delays the process, and that’s ok. God has His hands in this, He is in control, so I don’t have to be. And that is where the peace comes from.

So tonight, as I lay here, sleepless, I pray for our child, I pray for direction, I pray for wisdom.

 

And that is where I leave it. That is the best place to leave it. With Him.
Lord's Purpose Prevails

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Words.

Words have been flying around in my head, bursting for a way to get out. Not necessarily to be spewed here, on the blog (I’ve actually revealed more here than I have to close friends), but to be spoken, from my mouth to others. Asking for prayer. Opening up. Being vulnerable. None of which are easy for me.

Last night it happened though. I spoke about what God is doing in my life. The calling He has placed on my life. The calling that Eric just started to feel…The calling to adopt. We both talked about it. About where we are at. To those we trust. To those who will pray earnestly for us in this time.

Speaking makes it real. It is so freeing and so frightening all at the same time. My calling is no longer just mine…others know what God has asked me to do. There is accountability in that. Sheesh.

My stomach has never known so many butterflies or so much pent up anticipation and nervousness. My eyes have never known so many tears. I told a friend just a few weeks ago about how weepy I am. I literally cannot get through a worship set without having tears running down my face. I cannot pray without the same thing happening there. I cannot speak about the moment that I heard God speak to me without losing all semblance of control over my emotions.

I think that is all part of my journey. I’ve always been a planner, in control of my emotions, tough…all the things.

That is, up until now. All of that is gone. This, this has no plan. Adoption has no timeline I can control. These eyes that cry so easily is a sign of what God is doing in me. He is working. He is breaking my walls. He is prying my fingers open so that I can let go of all control.

He is working. He is working on me.

And I would have it no other way.

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Suffering. A New Kind of Prayer.

I recently listened to a podcast that talked about suffering and forgiveness in a whole new way. At the risk of sounding totally cheesy, it changed my world.

Here’s the link: Podcast with Jami Nato   You should listen to it. Really!

One of the things that stuck with me the most was the challenge to pray for suffering. So often, we feel like God should be blessing us…and most of us think of the word “blessing” to mean: money, big house, easy life, no struggles, no pain, etc.

But what if He blesses us by carrying us through the hard times? What if He blesses me by allowing me to be broken? What if He blesses me by drawing me to a place where I can’t help but rely on Him for every. single. thing.?

Timidly, fearfully, but also filled with hope, I have started praying this prayer. I’m not brave enough to pray it every day. There are some days where I just don’t have the strength to utter those words.

“Lord. Break me. Take me to a place where I can’t breath without asking you for the strength.”

It is painful. This is not an easy prayer to pray. It’s not a prayer I am always willing to pray. To ask for pain? To ask for suffering?

James 1:2-4 says:  Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Perseverance, mature, complete, not lacking anything. These are all words that I want to describe my relationship with my Jesus.

And, in it all, I want to find the joy. Amidst the pain. Amidst the sorrow. Through it all, I want to find joy in who my Jesus is.

Will you pray this prayer with me??

 

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